Misadventures! I Shattered my Kneecap in a Parking Lot

My left knee is in several pieces. My hands are covered in nasty scrapes. I am basically immobile and unable to leave my apartment without assistance. I am wearing an immobilizer. I don't know yet if I will need surgery.

What Happened?

I was drunk and tripped near a drinking establishment. I felt pretty hurt so I walked home-- I don't usually drive to the bar. So it's a little bit of (dramatic? situational?) irony that walking home messed me up.

I managed somehow to walk half a mile home and didn't really run into any issues until I hit my stairs. When I woke up the next day, I was completely unable to bend my leg. I had to crawl through my place on my back using my elbows until I found my phone and a stash of old hydrocodone I kept from some other time I did something stupid.

I called my friend Michael and he carried me on his back to his car. We went to the ER and I got in a wheelchair. My toe was bloody and I was barefoot; plus my knee was about the size of a grapefruit so everyone was really concerned and I got put on the fast track.

My nurse was a big guy who wouldn't have seemed out of place in the Hell's Angels and/or an AA meeting (There's a weird overlap there). He made a lot of really weird comments about torture, death and evil. Then he gave me morphine for the first time and I have to say I wasn't that impressed.

The nurses and attending physicians seemed surprised that I could still feel pain as they fiddled with my injury. I was surprised that anyone would deliberately hurt themselves to secure a steady supply of the stuff. But I grew up around horses and apparently inherited their drug tolerance. At least they don't shoot people when they break their knees (Sorry, horses).

It's been a few days and I am feeling a lot better, the swelling is down and I will see a knee doctor today.

So What Happens Next?

I thought about going without health insurance when I quit my job. I mean I'm young, healthy and I walk everywhere. Good thing I didn't. Get health insurance if you don't have it already.

I don't know any of the details yet on when I'll be able to function. It's my left knee so I could theoretically drive and there's always Uber, but I have to get down the fucking stairs first.

I'm able to move around on crutches with more stability and grace. However crutches are the fucking worst. I can't bend my left leg, but when I'm on crutches I can't use any part of my body. I can't carry a dirty dish to my kitchen or a microwave meal to my couch.

Every day presents new logistical challenges and six to eight weeks is a long time to wait for a recovery. In the mean time don't expect to see me out and about any time soon. I have a book coming out and being house bound will certainly cut back on the distractions.

Please pray for my swift recovery to your respective gods or if you're in the area swing by with offerings. I am electing to curtail my wine intake as my body heals (and because I totally ate it in a parking lot on my own two legs-- drinking on aluminum walking stilts just doesn't seem like a good idea.)

Musical Interlude

Here's a video of my left knee in happier times. Enjoy!

 


Mike bode is the author of The Queen of Lies, the first installment in the ongoing series, Architects of the Grand Design. His next book comes out October. Sign up for the mailing list for more info.

You can find him on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest . (You can also follow him on Goodreads and even Amazon)


Mike bode is the author of The Queen of Lies, the first installment in the ongoing series, Architects of the Grand Design. His next book comes out October. Sign up for the mailing list for more info. You can find him on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest . (You can also follow him on Goodreads and even Amazon)

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