Writing Product Descriptions for Fake Books

As any indie author knows it can be hard to tout the strengths of your own work when you're also your own worst critic. It's one thing for a marketing team to call you a "fresh voice in fantasy"... it's quite another to say that to another human being with a straight face.

I've struggled with this heavily in my own work since the Architects series relies so much on misdirection. The books start out like one thing (an unsolved murder and a political agenda) but rapidly evolve into another story all together.

So I decided to practice writing compelling blurbs (technically they're called "product descriptions", not blurbs) by writing hard sell descriptions for fake terrible books. This was inspired by one of my all time favorite tumblrs, Liar Town USA.

I designed the covers with canva.

Please enjoy.

lous-cannon

Lou’s Cannon

Why bring a gun when you can bring a cannon?

Lou Shepherd is porn-star turned cop who plays by his own rules, using his street smarts and massive penis to solve some of Los Angeles’s toughest murder cases.

Unfortunately using a penis to solve crimes isn’t very efficient (and is actually a conduct violation in nearly all cases). Lou’s boss, a grizzled police chief, immediately takes him off the Ripper case and orders him into mandatory sexual harassment sensitivity classes and a twelve step program.

There, Lou meets a colorful cast of sex addicts who have destroyed their lives with poor choices, leaving them incapable of forming meaningful intimate relationships. Lou will have to control his urges when he meets his elderly sponsor, a former nun with a checkered past… that she discloses candidly in group discussion.

Will Lou be able to keep it in his pants long enough to complete the mandated number of hours of counseling? Will he find absolution on his thoughtful journey to recovery? Will he be able to find… love?

Meanwhile a mastermind serial killer is chopping up hookers and leaving cryptic clues to his next victim. But the other police are handling that during Lou’s suspension.

 

How to Get Stupid Rich in Publishinghow-to-get-rich-in-publishing

You’re an author. You have the vision, but you need the audience and you don’t know how to make it to the next level.

Don’t worry, the field of publishing is highly competitive and many authors struggle with visibility. This book will teach you how to break through those barriers of obscurity and become a top-selling author. The secret? Become a celebrity.

Many authors seek to become famous from writing but consider this. According to the US Bureau of Labor and Statistics, there are more people earning living wages as hand models and subway buskers than there are people making a living at publishing novels.

It took J.K Rowling years and hundreds of rejections before she was finally published. But just imagine if she had been a controversial talk show host, prominent cat blogger, or the first female CEO of a Fortune 100 company before she wrote Harry Potter. Literary agents would have beaten down her door!

You don’t have to be professional athlete or musical genius. There are tons of ways to become a celebrity: actors, politicians, and YouTube vloggers can all leverage the secret power of fame.

You may already be famous and not even know it. Did you have a child acting career you struggle every day to repress through drug abuse? Did you know that there are over twenty officially recognized monarchies that you may be well be in line for? You can even use your relatives’ fame.

What’s more, this book is 100% guaranteed to boost book sales or your money back. Just mail us an US Weekly or People magazine cover featuring you and we will refund you the full $2.99… NO QUESTIONS ASKED!

 

Terrible Ptp-tallahasseelaces: Tallahassee

The seventh edition of Terrible Places Tallahassee is your personal key to the gate of existential hell that is Florida’s capital. Terrible Place’s most cynical and jaded team of local insiders thoroughly eviscerate the shitty restaurants, awful nightlife, and depressing sightseeing of one of Florida’s least notable major cities.

In this guide you’ll all the cheapest and least offensive places to conduct perfunctory social business before your rapid departure. Whether you’re visiting your least favorite son at Florida State University or picking up a gently used recreational vehicle, we will make your visit as painless as possible while pointing out all the things to make fun of to your civilized friends in respectable urban areas.

At Terrible Places we understand that travel isn’t a luxury… it’s mostly an inconvenient necessity.

 

 


Mike bode is the author of The Queen of Lies, the first installment in the ongoing series, Architects of the Grand Design. His next book comes out October. Sign up for the mailing list for more info. You can find him on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest . (You can also follow him on Goodreads and even Amazon)

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